The Battle Of The Friends Who Turned Foes
by Mr.Henry
Summary: The Battle Of The Friends Who Turned Foes. Lister and Rimmer have the biggest fallout in history leaving one of them truely dead.


**THE REPRISAL OF RIMMER.**

Arnold J. Rimmer, Second Technician of the Jupiter Mining Ship Red Dwarf, had had enough of Dave Lister, lowly technician and professional space bum. Everything about that pig of a human was ghastly and infuriating. He couldn't believe that last human being in the universe was a sloppy and smutty curry-consuming loafer, who hardly understood the concept of personal and general hygiene. And it sickened the hard-light hologram to the core.

Lister awoke tiredly on his bunk, and with a weary exhale kicked Rimmer in the back, as he climbed down to the floor. Rimmer growled angrily, and sat upright.

"Alright smegger?" Lister asked with a snigger.

"Fine Listy, absolutely top of the morning, as fit as a fiddle..." Rimmer retorted sarcastically, turning to face him.

"I like your new hairdo Rimmer..." Lister cackled.

"What? What? Is...?" Rimmer began before trailing off. Reaching up into his hair, something was quite strange about his hair style. It was a Mohican cut. Rimmer's eyes narrowed and turned to the screen where Holly's image would usually be present.

"HOLLY!" Rimmer cried angrily. Holly's image flickered onto the screen.

"How's ya hair Arnold?" Holly chuckled.

"This was your idea wasn't it Holly, you senile wretch?" Rimmer questioned in exasperation.

"No it was Dave's, good one Dave..." Holly replied cheerfully. It was Lister. Dave Smegging Lister. Rimmer rounded on Lister and stood up and approached him slowly.

"Listy, you have been testing my patience for the last FIVE MILLION YEARS NOW!" Rimmer hollered, before storming out of the Sleeping Quarters.

"What else am I supposed to do when I'm trapped in deep space without a chance of gettin' back to Earth. I'm clinging onto hope but I know it's not gonna turn out good any soon, then I dunno, I've given up..." Lister argued.

"It still doesn't give you the right to harass higher-ranking technician... It doesn't give you the right to do what you want... It doesn't give you the right, you are not Mr. Important Person. You are a lowly technician, a lowlife, a space bum, a nobody. You are just a little irrelevance to the crew, you are of no concern. Just a fleshy up-holstered porker who is just a mere spec in our trek through the universe. You are a package of an obviously sizable quantity seeing as you weigh as much as a corpulent rhino... And that package needs to be delivered to it's destination. And your destination is Earth, which is by now merely a waste of a planet seeing as it was previously populated with some beastly ogres like you, you fat tub of lard... Sorry Listy, but that's what you are, that is _all _you are..." Rimmer put brusquely. Rimmer smiled wickedly, as Lister's grin dropped to a low frown. He watched as his eyes watered and he stepped towards him. He raised his fists trying to be manly, but Rimmer could see he was a weak little wimp.

"Wanna say that again pal?" Lister questioned, his fists raised in the air, his anger increasing as Rimmer's smirk reached his ears, before dropping into an angered expression.

"Oh that's right Listy... You are a tub of lard..." Rimmer smiled. Lister smiled thinly, and just as he pulled his fist back, ready to strike a punch.

"Ha, ha, ha Rimmer you've lost lost it..." Lister laughed, "Just like he lost Captain Hollister's approval, and your girlfriend Yvonne McGruder, who is the only female you've ever had a sexual relationship with...? Yeah... Because you are a stuck-up failure, a weasel of a man... You were put down a set in your school class because you are a thickie, a durnoid, a stupid prick of a man, a pea-brain of a man who always never failed to disappoint his father, and that's what you do best... Yeah I bet your father's really proud of you(!)... And I am glad your brothers used to torture you in the summertime in your garden, by putting itching powder in your belly button, and pouring a pot of poisonous red ants onto your chest, and being the butt of their jokes you loser..." Lister

Rimmer kneed him in the groin, sending Lister collapsing on the floor, wriggling around the floor in pain. Then Rimmer gave him an almighty kick to his jaw, before endlessly pummeling his chest, laughing menacingly. Lister had not only insulted him and his career. He had insulted him personally. Revenge would now be executed on this grimy scumbucket Lister. It was time for Rimmer's Reprisal.

Rimmer's hand flew out and seized Lister's filthy neck, where he proceeded to throttle him. Lister croaked, chocked, and screamed, and rasped, and cried, but to no avail. The pleas for him to stop, just made Rimmer even more happy to strangle him. This was a personal battle. Eventually after a short while, Kryten trundled in with Lister's breakfast, neatly aranged on the food trolley he was carrying. As he saw the two of them on the floor, he rushed over to Lister's side, leaving the trolley in the doorway.

"Mr. Rimmer sir, what have you done? Oh my goodness!" Kryten shouted, shoving Rimmer's hands away from Lister's neck, and observing Lister's body, and Rimmer's nail marks on his neck. Eventually Kryten glanced at Rimmer wearing a concerned, panicked, and somewhat petrified expression.

"Lister... He's dead..." Kryten whispered. That means he would have to spend the rest of his days with an egocentric chump, and a dead man.

"OH SHUT UP YOU METAL MORON! JUST GET OUT OF HERE YOU RUBBER-TIPPED PENCIL!" Rimmer bellowed, picking himself up from the floor, and pushing Kryten into his food trolley, "GO ON GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OOOOOUUUUTTTT!" Rimmer screeched, kicking the mechanoid in the back, as he trundled out again with his trolley, sobbing hoarsely. Then Rimmer seated himself on the edge of his bunk, staring reflectively out of the window, gazing at the twinkling stars. Then Rimmer drifted off, and as soon as his back hit the mattress. His hologram projection was turned off by the ship-board computer Holly. Holly had seen it all, the way the friendship between Lister and Rimmer had grown further and further apart, and led them to becoming foes, before becoming enemies. Rimmer was meant to be someone who could support Lister through his troubles in life, but it seemed Rimmer had a few personal problems of his own. But Holly knew deep down Lister had felt Rimmer was a true friend. He was wrong. Silently Kryten returned and carried Lister's body on a stretcher and to the Medi-Bay.


End file.
